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Time:01:41 am
i had forgotton about you livejournal.

i have a life now. and im happy living it.


im still living in lufkin. but its austin in the winter.
no matter what. austin or corpus. we shall see.
but i gotta get away from these damn trees.
dont get me wrong i love east texas...but, im outta here as soon as circumstances allow.
so. oh i have a girlfriend.
did i mention i was happy?

thats all.
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Time:10:43 am
i might just be the worst person ever.
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Subject:searching for the wrong eyed jesus
Time:03:34 pm
i watched this documentary, or most of it.
it was about this man driving around the south-talking to people, listening to their stories. examining their ignorance. religion. spirituality. the need for a sense of existence in a life of ignorance and poverty...and co existence.
it made me feel so much of what i did see.
it made me think about how i have come to know and feel all this man talked about, and feel in his voice the sense of seeing yourself and your culture from afar---kind of outside of yourself.
"the south is less a state of mind and more an atmosphere..."
things change east of texas, and past the mason dixon line that only a handful of people can try to explain. spirituality. the need for a higher being, and to feel him by going to such extremes as pentecostal, southern baptist and all smaller churches that have rooted off from these main two forms of christianity. the need to feel something or have something exist outside of yourself, outside of your chains that bound you to the hot summers of southern entity.
there are feelings that only hearing someone else say word for word, and put in text how some things make you feel. i got this huge feeling of closure, and countless ideas---from this documentary. i wouldnt waste my own time to write about something i didnt feel strong about. this is a world i know, and can identify with. but also look past and think beyond. when this man spoke of descriptions of the people, of the smells...it took me to a place i cannot explain.
its almost as if the southern states alone is its own realm...another place that seems so far from where you may be. the churches, prisons, oceans of trees, mountains, flatlands, coalmines...its a whole other world. the sin.
oh the sin. and that fight between being faithful and devoted to god and what you learn in sunday school and doing the things only this kind of heat could posses you to act out...this place is an ongoing constant battle of spiritual warfare.
and i swear to god, the devil is a man with dark hair and brown eyes...and he does live in the south.
he might even drive a car covered in bumper stickers saying that "jesus saves."
there is a spirit here, and there is no denying that. a spirit that can make you go insane, or completly content.

its called, "searching for the wrong eyed jesus"
and it is an in depth, jaw dropping, depressing but totally true and honest look into south: and the life that lives there. i dont even know how i cam upon watching this. but, something so silly as a documentary really affected me in ways i could talk about for hours.


"every creature casts a shadow
under the suns golden finger
but when the sun sinks past the waving grass,
some shadows are dragged along..."
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Subject:reality and sobriety have a way of making each day a bitter challenge.
Time:03:04 pm
Current Mood:skeptical
yesterday was my birthday.
and i will continue throughout the month looking for reasons to celebrate. april is always a good month to just...make memories only to vaugely remember them.

i met someone.
and...for the first time in a long time...
the whole situation kinda makes me nervous.

details?
ok. theres a 6 year age difference.
[of course, im on the younger end of the difference.]
and im worried, my age is not going to work in my favor.
at first its all fun...but what if tomarrow its not?
i really like this person, but i do not wanna end up with the shitty end of the deal because of it.

ok, anyway. a lot has been happening. changing, more like it.
both for the better and the bad. so. things are actually having a way of working out at this time. and im learning "what not to do, to get through a day". ive just been able to let some things go recently that make breathing just a little bit easier.
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Subject:i can feel it comin in the air tonight
Time:08:17 am
so this is my
i wont remember anything for the next few days
entry.

and to all those who made spring break worth the while, THANKS.
i love you all.

oh and i just realized how much i love phil collins cd. "...hits"

its 8:10 am, and im thinking way hard.
i have to take my dear brother to the doctor.
get my pictures from walgreens
because i have yet to advance to a digital camera.
not on purpose...i like the excitment of picking up pictures of memories i need help remembering...ya know what i mean?

say hi if you love PHIL COLLINS.
or if you love me.
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Time:01:29 am
I would like a nice, powerful, mind-altering substance. Preferably one that will make my unborn children, grow gills.



im in corpus. its spring break.
1:33 am.
march 15th.
or 16th now.

oh, im moving outta lufkin after finals.
my mom dosnt want me there, i dont think.
im not sure.
she saw my myspace. due to certain bunch of nosey family members making some sort of big deal out of something?
i think it was my writings. blogs. whatever.
and my cousin tells me...
all kindsa shit, that allows me to come to the conclusion that i need to get out of there.
seperate myself.
ya know?
i dont know where to go.
i dont have financial stability. so fuck. things are about to change, i believe.
corpus. dallas. beaumont. out of state?
where should i go. what should i do.
all of this is burning in my mind.

i need to put the fire out in my head.
yeah, im gonna try to do that.

oh and im having an amazing spring break.
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Time:05:31 am
im blowed.




hug.
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Time:03:41 am
i dont know what makes us,us.
you and me.

what brought us together to change one anothers lives in the ways that we have.
what caused us to get so deep in each others water.
the times you've been there for me, and i for you.
the times you wouldnt be there for me, and i couldnt for you.
it all happened in a series of events that i could never fully explain.
that together, only you and i could understand.

who decided to bring two people with so much still to learn together?
who thought that it would overall be a good idea?
it was in the beginning.
not in the middle.
and great in the end.
i'll always be here for you.
and one thing you cant deny is that you dont know that.

my friend, i dont know what makes us, us.
maybe...
the hardships we've had to go through
the challenges put in our paths
the things that made it so hard for it to be easy.

we are those people, who only seldom get a break from the constant of change.
and always with you, change is not as bad as it is on my own.

we will grow old only to mend each others hearts...
because we will probably never really learn the right lesson.
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Subject:used to feel like carolina i split myself in two, now i feel like california with baby eyes so blue.
Time:03:50 am
IM GOING TO CALIFORNIA.
[for spring break]
and your not.
how do ya like them apples?

haha.
BUT, really.
ive never had a bigger smile on my face.
ever, ever, ever...ever!

im seriously so excited.
i even have an open donation fund.
if any of you thought as soon as you read the first line,"well i hope shes gonna have enough cash..."
if you thought that, dont worry! you can give me as much money as you'd like and i will appreciate it till' the day YOU die.


for information on where to send your money,
just contact my email address:
blooskyovertexas@yahoo.com

make all checks out to:
NAZARETH GILLILAND...not just naz.
cuz i know some of you have been mistaken-im not like madonna,or cher...or any one name rockstar.
theres more its just complicated. [see above]



no one even reads this anymore. i just had to express my love to MY ashley!
you are the best of the best of the greatest of the great.
i love you with all of my heart. thank you for making this possible.
and i'd like to thank all of the little people, like myself...who struggle everyday for normalcy...and maybe even this oppurtunity.
YOU'LL GET THERE ONE DAY GUYS.
haha. kidding. =D


its all about the love, people.
MY love for you.
but mainly my love for ash.
i love you ashley. for everything.
everything as in, everything you've brought me in life.
and everything as in, this trip.
and everything as in, being THAT person.
that person, as in...just you. <3
no one person, could ask for so much in just one friend.
but ive been so blessed.
i love you with all of me.


WOOHOO.
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Subject:have you any dreams you'd like to sell?
Time:04:16 am
i think it'll be okay if you climb down from that limb on the tree thats been holding you captive.
i think it'll be okay if you rip those jeans,
they arnt your favorite pair anymore.

i think it'll be okay if you tend to the wounds you aquired coming down.
we dont want an infection.
or affection?

who needs that?

i think it'll be okay if when you get down from your big ole' tree, you hug me and make it right.
i think it'll be okay if you kiss the wounds you caused me on your way up.
we dont want an infection.
or affection.

i think i do now.
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[icon] does anyone want to take me home? of course you do of course you dont
View:Recent Entries.
View:Archive.
View:Friends.
View:Profile.
View:Website (she dont need what she use).
You're looking at the latest 10 entries.
Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 10 entries